It took months, while Americans were suffering and wondering where help was going to come from, for lawmakers to work out the framework of the next stimulus bill.

Make no mistake, Republicans and Democrats played politics and let you suffer gambling on who you were going to blame for it.

But now that the bill is upon us, and after the government has told you that it cannot afford to give you retroactive unemployment and can only give you a $600 stimulus check, you should know what is in it.

The bill calls for the creation of two new Smithsonian Museums on the National Mall, could give people caught illegally streaming as much as 10 years in prison, and declares it to be a “clear abuse” if any nation interferes with Tibet in selecting the next Dalai Lama.

Feel more secure yet? Wait, there is more.

It also forbids the United States Postal Service from delivering e-cigarettes and decriminalizes unauthorized use of Smokey The Bear.

No? Not more secure yet? Wait, this could help.

The bill gives $700 million to Sudan, $300 million to fisheries, and $10 million for “gender programs” in Pakistan.

It also funds to investigate the 1908 Springfield Race Riot, it creates a committee to investigate performance-enhancing drugs in horse racing, gives funds to address gender inequality, $193 million for federal HIV/AIDS workers stationed abroad to buy new cars, funds to teach kids not to drink and do drugs and then have sex, has $40 million for the Kennedy Center, creates a commission tasked with educating “consumers about the dangers associated with using or storing portable fuel containers for flammable liquids near an open flame,” directs funds to pay for the U.S. Senate daycare center and gives  $8 million for Joe Biden’s transition.

But hey they managed to get you, only if you qualify, $600 to get you through because, apparently, they could not afford to give more than that. Oh, and $300 a week in additional unemployment assistance, but they will not make it retroactive so, if you spent all of your savings, too bad to get through the pandemic.

H/T: Tom Elliot.

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