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This Expert Column is sponsored by Not Just Babysitters

As a nanny agent, I get my fair share of calls from irate moms who are furious with something the nanny has done or (in many instances) not done.  My years of experience have taught me that the best thing to do in these situations is to listen actively.  That means that instead of succumbing to the routine answers of ‘Mmmm’ and ‘Uh-huh’, I take the time to listen to what the mom is saying and also read between the lines to get to what she is not saying.  So I take notes on everything the mom is telling me.  That way, I can address her concerns one by one and make sure she feels that as the customer her needs have been accommodated.

Sometimes I do feel like a therapist.  I often feel like I have to talk moms down from a ledge, that’s how upset they are.  It’s understandable in the context that these are their beloved children the nanny is working with.  The angry “Mama Bear” stereotype is real.  She seeks the best for her child.  She knows what her child needs and she is determined to make sure that he or she gets it.

The film fantasy of the nanny blending right into the family with no hiccups is a fallacy.  It can happen, but most of the time it does not.  As with any new employment, the first few weeks can be very difficult while employer and employee get a feel for one another and start to form a relationship.

One of my most memorable encounters was a telephone call from a mom with a very serious complaint.  She said that the nanny was always hugging her child and calling him her ‘baby’.  Now, to some moms, this is not a problem.  In fact, they welcome such a warm, loving, affectionate relationship between the nanny and their child.  They feel that the nanny is invested in the care of the child because she feels this love towards him or her.

However, this was offensive to this particular mom.  She was what would be described as a non-affectionate mom.  This does not mean that she did not love her child.  Rather it means that she did not express her love in physical or verbal demonstrations.  This mom felt that the nanny was trying to be a substitute mother to the child instead of a caregiver.  She felt that in hiring a nanny she was creating a formal relationship which the nanny was not respecting.  Above all else, she felt that her parenting style was being contradicted by the nanny’s behavior.

I now found myself in a situation where I had the opportunity to coach the nanny.  I was able to guide her in aligning herself and her style of caregiving with the desires of the mother.  This nanny was surprised.  She thought she was doing the right thing.  She was very upset when she learned that her actions had offended her employer as this had never been her intention.  Once I’d mentored her on what was expected, she was able to go about her duties with a new perspective.  There she fostered a mutually respectful relationship with her employer which lasted for a long time.